you;

written on november 27, 2016


i write to divert my attention away from you but goddamn you’re the only thing i write about.

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questions and tears;

written on august 16, 2016


okay so hello old friend. the last time i wrote about him is almost 2 months and damn, did things get so complicated.

i’ve always thought that i’m a strong and independent woman who needs no man. i am pretty happy and contented with what i have.

i thought i’m fine.

i thought i’m complete.

i thought i’m happy with what i have.

well, that’s what i thought.

i’ve been wrong in the past few weeks—months, because the truth is, i’m not fine.

i’m incomplete.

i’m not happy with what i have.

it is all lies.

i never really realized it until yesterday when a friend opened the topic about us—the old us. i wanted to cry that time because it plays back our memories together. it also reminds me of my selfish, prideful and stupid reason why i never answered your message. i must admit, i still regret that chance. that’s the chance where we could be happy but i ruined it. i didn’t grab the chance and i will be forever regretful for that.

what do you think will happen if i answered you back then?

do you think that things will be different?

are we happy?

am i happy?

am i contented?

am i gonna cry like what’s happening right now?

these endless questions lead to endless tears.

do you know that this is the first time in months that i cried about you? it feels weird, but i need them all out. i need all of this things out of my chest.

i want to talk to you, but i don’t want to disrupt your happiness with her. so instead, i’ll just watch you happy from afar. i will let you be happy with her.

if you’ll never be mine again, i think i’ll miss you forever.

i think in every relationship that i will be involved in, i will always look for your comfort.

i think in every man that i’ll be attracted to, i will always look for your eyes and your laugh which will never fail to swoon me.

i don’t think i will ever forget you. you will forever hold this special place in my heart.

you matter;

written on may 17, 2016;


not all story ends with a good ending. what clearly matters is the parts. people doesn’t always get what they want. you can’t always have your own way because everything happens for a reason, whether you like it or not. you cannot control anything in this universe. after all, you are just a small peck of dust in the galaxy but hey—you still matter.