love, this is for you;

this is for the guy who’s always been there for me for 2 years

this is for the guy who always want the best for me

this is for the guy who always want to protect me from heartbreak

this is for the guy who always draw a smile on my face with his quirky antics

this is for the guy who can act like an older brother, best friend, and boyfriend at the same time

this is for the guy who i still look for in busy crowds

love, this is for you


how are you? we haven’t been able to talk to each other for 3 months. the last time i heard about you is that you found another woman who can make you happy. how is she? is she treating you write? is she still making you happy? is she the on you wanted? god i hope so because i know that you know that your happiness is what matters the most to me.

we’ve known each other for 2 years now and we both know each other’s flaws and weaknesses. we’ve been in a countless fights together. we’ve witnessed a lot of achievements and milestones together. we’ve been in a numerous heartbreak. we’ve heard and seen each other cry out for help because of our own problems. we’ve comforted each other a lot. we’ve been in a rollercoaster ride with our ups and downs. we almost became lovers, a lot of times, but it didn’t happen because fate chose to disagree with the thought of us being together.

sixth of the first month of the year—i’m sure you don’t remember but it’s the date that we first met. i still celebrate it up to this day. you asked for help. you came to me for an advice even you didn’t know me that much. you trusted me with your problem. you listened to my advice which surprised me; why would you listen to someone’s advice when you barely know them? but you did. and in the next day, you thanked me because it worked.

i still see you everyday. i still look for you, even there’s a huge crowd in between of us two. i still look for your familiar face; the face that i’ve known to love. do you look for me too? the way that you used to do? because your eyes doesn’t meet mine anymore. because whenever i’m looking for you, you’re looking at somebody else. i can’t see you in my peripheral vision either.

where are you? where is the old you? where is the old you that i almost fell in love with? where is the old you that has always been on my side? where is the old you that comforts me when i needed it the most? where is the old you that smiles at me whenever we see each other? where is my old best friend? where is my old almost-boy-friend? where are you love? where are you hiding?

day by day, our relationship is dying and i cannot do anything to save it. we are slowly drifting apart from each other without us realizing. we are slowly turning cold to each other and it’s frustrating because you didn’t even notice it.

who is the one to blame? should i blame you for slowly drifting away ?or should i blame myself because i let you drift away from me? or should we blame ourselves for not doing anything? for not being enough for each other? or should we put the blame on fate for letting this happen to us?

is it you who changed? is it me? or is it the both of us?

will you ever come back? will i ever come back to you? will we come back to each other?


questions and tears;

written on august 16, 2016

okay so hello old friend. the last time i wrote about him is almost 2 months and damn, did things get so complicated.

i’ve always thought that i’m a strong and independent woman who needs no man. i am pretty happy and contented with what i have.

i thought i’m fine.

i thought i’m complete.

i thought i’m happy with what i have.

well, that’s what i thought.

i’ve been wrong in the past few weeks—months, because the truth is, i’m not fine.

i’m incomplete.

i’m not happy with what i have.

it is all lies.

i never really realized it until yesterday when a friend opened the topic about us—the old us. i wanted to cry that time because it plays back our memories together. it also reminds me of my selfish, prideful and stupid reason why i never answered your message. i must admit, i still regret that chance. that’s the chance where we could be happy but i ruined it. i didn’t grab the chance and i will be forever regretful for that.

what do you think will happen if i answered you back then?

do you think that things will be different?

are we happy?

am i happy?

am i contented?

am i gonna cry like what’s happening right now?

these endless questions lead to endless tears.

do you know that this is the first time in months that i cried about you? it feels weird, but i need them all out. i need all of this things out of my chest.

i want to talk to you, but i don’t want to disrupt your happiness with her. so instead, i’ll just watch you happy from afar. i will let you be happy with her.

if you’ll never be mine again, i think i’ll miss you forever.

i think in every relationship that i will be involved in, i will always look for your comfort.

i think in every man that i’ll be attracted to, i will always look for your eyes and your laugh which will never fail to swoon me.

i don’t think i will ever forget you. you will forever hold this special place in my heart.

you matter;

written on may 17, 2016;

not all story ends with a good ending. what clearly matters is the parts. people doesn’t always get what they want. you can’t always have your own way because everything happens for a reason, whether you like it or not. you cannot control anything in this universe. after all, you are just a small peck of dust in the galaxy but hey—you still matter.